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Bungo Baggins

Posted : 4 years, 8 months ago on 29 November 2012 01:53 (A review of A Charlie Brown Christmas)

"Help yourself, it's all you can eat at the Empire Diner to-nite!....
.... Charlie! You shouldda looked out for me!"

Do you want to know what Charlie Brown is? He's a small-town, depressed little nobody, that nobody likes. And he's always boring and he's never happy.

And he has no future, and I don't care.

And at some point, all of these pointless little 'thrillers', ('She's such a good cop!'), with all their angst and their puppy-mill-dog barking, and their nasal lecturing about conspiracies and anxiety.... at some point, it all comes back to this. To Charlie Brown, The Great Nobody.

To Charlie Brown, The Great Nobody, and all his shit.... And Linus, and his fucking pee blanket.... And Roy Hobbs!, the best there ever was in this game, and all his fucking lectures.

.... You know, The Beatles released "Rubber Soul" in December 1965, but I think Charlie here exists somewhere along the same sci-fi universe that "Star Trek" did in 1965.... and no, I'm not fopping my dates; I'm making a joke.... with John, I guess.

Although I.... I hope that these words go well together, you know.... I'm hoping you know what I mean.

"Keep things in perspective, this is my true objective."

(6/10)


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"Nothing Good.... After 2AM"

Posted : 4 years, 9 months ago on 14 November 2012 03:08 (A review of Late Night with David Letterman)

This isn't really as good as Seinfeld, even though it's vaguely similar, in a way; also, it's interesting to note that this show premiered the year that "The Wrath of Khan" came out.

Also, the.... details, of these really long running comic's shows, (I call it comic's drama, because I have somewhat.... Aldrin-y, ideas about what comedy is, or at least, *should* be), kinda confuse me. I don't really know what started in 1892, I mean, 1982, and what.... I don't know.

I also don't really know if I'd like Jimmy Fallon or Conan O'Brien better than David Letterman.... With Conan, it's sorta a toss-up, (I can't quite see Barney Stinson in him), although maybe with Jimmy Fallon, (his performance at the aid concert notwithstanding, lol.... At least he's from Mets country, lol), since I like his 50% more cash back commercials and he vaguely reminds me of Ted Mosby.... almost.

I actually like the Jimmy Fallon 50% more cash back commercials better than Letterman, but, whatever.

Anyway, 'full disclosure'-- I watch this show, I end up watching it, because other people watch it, other people are watching it.

I don't really like it, though. I just don't appreciate his taste.

Hahaha, an election, hahaha, America, and an election, hahahaha, candidate, hahahaha, not funny, hahahaha.

I mean, I think that the last political statement that amused me was when Spock said, "It is not good to have many rulers; let there be one ruler, one king", in Civilization *IV*, and I don't think that I've played that game, or any of the sequels, in at least two to four years.....

I mean, some of the interviews that he does are good, that is true.

'So-and-so was on Letterman'. Fine.

But other than that.... he just, in general, just has this trashy way of talking.

"And we didn't see Lily again for four weeks."
Jason Segel: Dammit guys, I have to take off points for stuff like that. Why couldn't you find, innocent amusements, the way that Ted and Barney do?

Ted: And one for his nobs.
Barney: This is such a weird game.

But some things are.... people laugh if you say, 'too sweet', but sometimes something is too concentrated, too bitter.... too much.

Robin: What, you didn't think that Old King Clancy was clean?
Jason Segel: I don't even know what that means, Robin.

And, I mean, I also like "King of Queens", but I guess that I'm just too much of a bigoted class phony to obsess about it, the way that I do with that show from Manhattan. ;0

{'In the Bronx you have the streets, the numbers. Here it's just palm trees; they all look the same.'

There is a difference between a bakery and a house.;0 }

(7/10)


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Muppetry

Posted : 4 years, 9 months ago on 11 November 2012 01:29 (A review of The Muppets)

I'm glad that I knew about Jason Segel before watching this movie.

I mean, don't get me wrong-- I've seen plenty worse movies than this.

But this still isn't a very great movie.

I mean, the cast is.... no, *half* the cast is great.... and the other half of the cast, are these.... puppets from the 80s.

And it's vaguely reminiscent of-- and, yeah, this is after the before-Seinfeld era.... god, the 80s....-- "Despicable Me": Jason Segel, sci-fi comedy, crazies.... But once you've met the minions, it's hard to go back to the muppets....

And, it's weird, Jason Segel really *is* a nice guy, *sorta* like he is in this movie-- not like in "Despicable Me", where his role as "Vector", a sort of nerdy bad guy, kinda is sorta a break with what he really does.... and yet, this is the role that comes off as being kinda inauthentic, like, pretty, inauthentic....

I guess that the world has changed since 2005....

Neil Patrick Harris: I don't know why I'm not hosting this.

I guess it's because someone picked a muppet over Neil Patrick Harris....

And, just in general, since the 80s ended in 1990. ("I appreciate the whole seduction thing you've got going on here, but let me give you a tip: I'm a sure bet.")

And, you know, maybe it's sorta similar in quality to "Battle of the Smithsonian", which also isn't the greatest movie ever made.... it's not as though hiring one particular guy or two is all you need to do.... And it's not as bad as any of those weirdo 80s action movies with the bat people and the penguin people....

And, you know, I don't really dislike Jack Black.... but I feel like I'd like this movie better if I were a real big Jack Black guy. But I'm really more of a Jason Segel guy.... And I feel like there are times when a guy is in a movie, and it's almost like.... he's punishing himself.... I don't know, there are times when it just really *doesn't* work.... it's hard to explain.

But, yeah. 'Despicable Me'.

"As far as money is concerned.... we have no money."

None of the lines in this movie are as funny as that; I'm sorry-- they're just not.

"Change of heart-- nothing to do with head"

Marshall Eriksen: Because they'd started making money, hahaha. I'm sorry, but was that just.... cynical?

Barney Stinson: That was a cynical 80s joke, my friend.

Marshall Eriksen: That blows. Cynicism blows.

Lily Aldrin: Marshall!

Marshall Eriksen: Sorry Lily.

And the thing is, in "Despicable Me" you get the minions-- one of whom is Kieran Vollard's actor, and so you get a million guys who are like Kieran Vollard.... and you *also* get, *a trio of ballerinas*!

I guess that you could say that with this, you lose on both sides of it.

Robin S: Hey Barney, have you ever seen "Friends With Benefits"?

Barney S: I watch "Friends with Benefits" every day.

I mean, with this, my grief is that people with bad taste in comedy usually end up being really rude.... Which, incidentally also applies to people who (*always*!) watch good comedy with this careless attitude and this idea that you can't learn anything from it.... ("I promise, this is not the kind of movie that you need to understand").... I mean, I guess that alot of people watch Adam Sandler movies with this idea that he's an asshole and that you can't learn anything from him..... which I guess is "fun", until your sister comes to visit for the holidays, and you treat her like shit because you're an asshole. (I mean, did you ever ask yourself why a guy would work twice as hard as usual, just to get slightly less than normal?)

.... And, on top of that, Steve Carell sure doesn't think that comedy isn't good enough for thinking sorts.

Anyway.

With this, you could almost call it a Jim Parsons movie.

'Move the ship, Jim.'

What could I have possible done to offend Mrs. Vartabedian?

(7/10)


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America's Assholes

Posted : 4 years, 10 months ago on 19 October 2012 12:41 (A review of America's Army)

Yeah, I used to be one of the dumbasses that used to play this game.

And let me tell you, let, for once, let *me* tell *you*-- I live in America, (remember that place? Do ya?), and I have no problems with my country; it's *at least* as good as some, and better than most.... I mean, I don't even like soccer, fuck soccer-- that this is not going to be your most carefully "patriotic" message that you're ever going to see.

I mean, it's enough that they send fucking uniformed recruiters into our high schools.... Yeah, really. I mean-- I am going to chemistry class, and if you don't get this moron jarhead out of my way....

But that's not enough, they have to make dogshit like this, for dumbasses like me.

And Halo 4. Dude. Go fuck yourself.

And if I see one more commercial, about trying to get *girls* into *Afghanistan*, while *I* am trying to watch, --"How I Met Your Mother"--

No, really.

And if I see one more commercial, about trying to get *girls* into *Afghanistan*, while *I* am trying to watch, --"How I Met Your Mother"--

So help me God, I'm just going to try not to lose my temper right now.

Because you should know, that this is the (almost) cleaned up version.

So fuck this game.... and fuck the fucking Iraqi tennis team; it's not worth dying for.

{Let alone the creature comforts of the garrison of the Republican Palace in Baghdad, who shrugged it off when the insurgents killed the guys who thought they were their "allies"....}

And, you know what? Sometimes the fucking jarheads are an *embarrassment* to this country, like, the worst fucking thing for *us*. And yet, *they*, act like *they*, *never* are, like *they*, are *always*, *better*, than *us*.

Well, you know what. If you want to be *as good* of an American as I am, you fucking riotous little jarhead nobody, you can start by pulling that preacher's stick out of your ass, and getting down from that fucking pulpit-- because you ain't no Lamb of God.

("The man has been in Gaul for *eight years*. He's practically a wild beast.")

More like a bully from Salzburg, than an 'Amadeus'.

And now, I'm going to my Zumba class. And you Afghani fuckers can go fuck yourselves.

I'll pay my goddamn taxes, and if you want to use them to fucking blow your arms and legs off, then I guess that I just can't fucking help that.

Your problem, man.

I'm not one of our fucking 'Arabs'.... I'd say, 'street Arabs', but that's something different.

Worst. Thing. Ever.

I mean, I can only guess whether or not it's worse than coming back from the-- my husband is in the army, so please put on a bandaid on my internal trauma-- and finding one of these commercials that say, basically, smash your daughter's violin, stop taking her to ballet, cancel your trip to see "Hope Springs", and just.... fucking let her join the army, or something.

And the little bastards act like they're good parents. I'm sorry, you're not.

.... I mean, do you notice how it's never the police that pulls this crap?

And yet, if somebody breaks into my house, it's not going to be the Air Force that shows up to take the guy out.

Or, at least....

I fucking hope not.

.... And there's what good for America, and sometimes it's not what's good for the army, and sometimes you have to choose....

Yeah, and some things, you just shouldn't get credit for. ("Those who do their work deserve pay and thanks, but no one deserves infinite pay or infinite thanks.")

(Remember that time time that we, as an institution, decided to not be like that guy who had been through our ranks five years before?)

So consider this your, un-getting-credit.

(3/10)


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Even At the Time

Posted : 4 years, 10 months ago on 16 October 2012 06:11 (A review of Lord of the Rings: The Third Age)

Even at the time, I knew that it sucked.

(5/10)


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Oh, I've done worse.

Posted : 4 years, 10 months ago on 16 October 2012 04:57 (A review of The Bard's Tale)

What was it called? 'The beer song', or something. I actually don't remember it.... and I'm fine with that.

I mean, it's easy to make fun of, and it's not what you'd call *intellecshual*. Or world-endingly creative.

But I've done worse.

(8/10)


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"This is Ironman!"

Posted : 4 years, 10 months ago on 16 October 2012 04:27 (A review of Gears of War)

(Also in 2005....)

Anyway.

For some reason, I didn't put this on the list, but this *is* odd, because I do remember wasting a significant amount of time on this shit.

I mean....

This is just ugly crap.

*I hate it.*

I mean, "James" here, disgusts me.

What trash.

(4/10)


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What A Piece of Junk!

Posted : 4 years, 10 months ago on 16 October 2012 02:50 (A review of Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers)

(the actor from whom nothing was ever heard again) What a piece of junk!

(the actor from Indiana Jones) *grumbles*

Seriously, though, this was trash.

Fightin' trash!

*dejected voice* Peter Jackson.

I mean, I can't even.... he even makes Sheldon Cooper look.... well, not *good*, but....

("He's depressed, because he's pathetic and creepy and can't get girls.")

("I see no large upcoming expenditures, unless they develop and affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with adamantium like Wolverine.")

("This is Ironman!")

("Television games!")

"Gym Neighbors". ;)

Although, I did call this a 'fighting' game-- for once, the gamer lingo was surprisingly useful.... It's just that *Morrowind* was a somewhat better, 'fighting game'.

But the sequel to this, *was*, *not*.

(6/10)



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The Maestro

Posted : 4 years, 10 months ago on 11 October 2012 12:58 (A review of The Middle)

(Barney Stinson) But is there is a guy who dresses up in a suit and goes after hot chicks?

(Lily Aldrin) Oh, come on, Barney, it's an adorable half-hour of family television.

(Barney Stinson) Oh really? Well, I can think of a show that's better.

(Marshall Eriksen) (laughs) Barney's right.

(Lily Aldrin) (is sad)

(Barney Stinson) And the (airquotes) "football player"-- his big problem? That two chicks have an obvious yet unstated desire for both of them to date him at the same time, because they both like him, and they're both friends. And yet, (hand gestures) he can't figure it out. What he needs (more hand gestures) is for somebody to explain to him (vicious airquotes) "which one".

(Marshall Eriksen) (shakes head, amused) Dude. Neither. Because you asked.

(Lily Aldrin) (looks disappointed)

(Barney Stinson) And the (airquotes) "mom" was *clearly* not cut out to be a narrator.

(Future Ted) (voiceover) It's true, kids-- you have no idea how lucky you are to have me.

(Barney Stinson) (with feeling) And these things do not make the show worthy of my fiercest rage, but they do consign it to an eternity of tormented mediocrity.

(Marshall Eriksen) (weird laughter)

(Robin Scherbatsky) (gestures) Yeah, Barney's right.

(Barney Stinson) (fistpump)

(Robin Scherbatsky) And they really needed to get that kid to shut up. The demented kid who made that crazy sound. No.

(Ted Mosby) (suddenly surprised) Wait, you didn't like that kid?

(Lily Aldrin) (turns) You know, Barney, that show really does suck, doesn't it.

(Ted Mosby) (disoriented) Wait-- what just happened?

(7/10)


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King Stiller

Posted : 4 years, 10 months ago on 4 October 2012 11:03 (A review of The King of Queens)

Two words:

Jerry. Stiller.

Jerry Stiller could probs kill Daniel Craig, using only the power of his insanity.

....

N.B.: "Gym Neighbors" needs to win an award for best use of "Eye of the Tiger". ^^

(9/10)


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