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All reviews - Movies (107) - TV Shows (55) - Books (1) - Music (39) - Games (55)

Hey! I Solved A Puzzle! *Victory Dance*

Posted : 7 years, 3 months ago on 25 August 2011 04:41 (A review of Myst IV: Revelation)

Normally I'm really bad at these puzzle type games, even though I've tried playing a bunch, I usually ended up failing when I reached the first puzzle. (Sad but true.) Myst IV: Revelation was more do-able for me, I don't think I beat the entire game, but I made it through a substantial chunk of it. And the atmosphere is absolutely enchanting, so that really does make up for the (very) slow pace.

....

But, you know, this sort of thing actually doesn't get the credit that it deserves, I think.

....~

Christmas music from 1650. That's almost as good as.... sarcasm.

(You broke a chandelier?

Did they *charge you*? *rolls eyes* Doesn't that cost *money*?

'Calm and relaxing'? Rachael Ray.... is that you?)

....

*new bumper-sticker* My Boston terrier is smarter than your *coughsoldiercough*.

....

*Arnold voice* "There is no bathroom!"

....

And when I think of the music....

And Yeesha's joyride....

And the family and its ways....

It was even better than I realized.

It was nice.

(10/10)


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Wizard's Tower Needs 5K To Upgrade to Level II

Posted : 7 years, 3 months ago on 25 August 2011 04:37 (A review of Age of Wonders: Shadow Magic)

Similar to The Wizard's Throne, but not quite as good.

....

Although, in retrospect, they're both about as good....

Although this is sorta worse, lol.

(6/10)


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Merlin's Magic (Metro)

Posted : 7 years, 3 months ago on 25 August 2011 04:34 (A review of Age of Wonders II: The Wizard's Throne)

The gameplay mechanics were average, the difficulty was too hard for the campaign, I think, but the setting was so magical that it was really a fascinating experience. And the music is epic.

....

But, to be honest, it could have been better.

It's like one of those things where you don't wanna.... say certain things, because you know how much better it could have been. Even though that's the point-- it just got pointless after a, certain point.

(Like one of those novels that has a glossary, and lots of words in Latin or Gaelic, like.... this just isn't a novel. You want to say it's cool, but.... 'tisn't.)

It's like one of those friends, where you don't wanna.... tell her to scram, basically, because you could have had it so much better.

Or one of those indie band guys-- it's hard to tell him that he reminds you of Harry Potter, or Ronald D. Moore, or somebody.

(7/10)


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A Classic Game About Empire-Building

Posted : 7 years, 3 months ago on 25 August 2011 04:21 (A review of Age of Empires II: The Age of Kings)

This was some good stuff. For me, it's a really classic RTS game, it taught me all about RTS-style economic management-- basic resource-gathering, technology & tech-ing up, economic expansion and balancing the needs of the military (immediate needs, so you don't get wiped out) with the economy (long-term needs, since you need resources to equip your armies). And once you had more resources (I never liked to attack until I knew I was set for victory, I was never a rusher or a raider) you learn to translate economic greatness into military might, swarming the enemies' army, ravaging his base, seizing his resources (which are useful to expand your economy even further), and if he manages to survive the first onslaught, you can repeat the ordeal for him as many times as necessary, until the final villager (quick! kill him before he finishes building that barracks!) bites the dust.

I guess the hardest thing for me was defending myself against the AI's attacks (what! he's attacking *me* before *I* have decided to attack *him*?!?) during my ramping-up getting-everything-ready phase. But I guess maybe, just maybe, that might just say something about me. ;)

Also: most of the campaigns were OK, I guess, without being *super*, but the William Wallace Learning Campaign was by far the best tutorial I've ever played through, bar none.

And you know what else was cool? The little responses the units gave when you clicked on them, they started talking in their own little language. The villagers, especially, were cool to listen to. :)

Also: the music was sorta average, but the Main Theme (that played on the initial screen) was totally Epic.

......

And, at the end, you slaughter all the civilians.

Well, if you win.

Otherwise....

Yeah, maybe they could have thought of a more tasteful way to do that....

After all, without the peons....

"More work?.... Ready to work!.... Work complete!.... Awww, more work?"

You know what I mean.... after all, this is 'warcraft', too....

Couldn't they have come up with a more tasteful way to do that?

I mean, imagine you're a construction peon, tasked with building a new barracks building, but, as you arrive with the first stack of building supplies, a large group of archers forms up a short distance away, so do you just shrug them off....

Do you keep trying to build the barracks after an arrow lands in your chest?

.... Do you *really* keep trying to build the barracks after you've been wounded three times and are surrounded by hostile military units?

You know what I mean.

Not perfect....

I think that's generous.

(9/10)


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I'm a Pirate! YAY!

Posted : 7 years, 3 months ago on 25 August 2011 04:16 (A review of Sid Meier's Pirates!)

This was pretty fun and unique....I mean, You could sail ships, and attack ships, and board ships, and duel with ships' captains, the steal stuff, and make money, and sail your ship, and go to port, and sell stuff, and make money, and buy a better ship, or keep the same one, or repair the ship, and hire more crew, and attack a city of a rival country, and plunder the whole city, hahaha, or go to jail, and sneak out of jail, and dance with the governor's daughter, and sword-fight with jealous rival suitors, and go sail ships some more, and steal some more stuff, and sell the stuff to make more money, and repair the ship again and hire more crew again and have fun again and then get old and retire and be famous and awesome.

....

*smiles* Could be better, could be worse.

I mean, it still is one of these fighting games, albeit one with puzzles. (Like KOTOR.)

It's not like I'm trying to be like, 'no pirates!', it's just that it would be nice to look at a ship, without automatically trying to figure out how many guns it has....

So.... sneaking out of jail, sneaking into the dance.... and, getting the whole crew killed off in a massive land assault.

*So*.

(8/10)


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Sometimes Game Music > Game

Posted : 7 years, 3 months ago on 25 August 2011 04:14 (A review of Rise of Nations: Thrones & Patriots)

Kind of cool. And the music was good.

I mean, yeah, the game music was really, really, good. It's just that if I paused the game, it killed the music, and if I played the game, sometimes the cpus would kill me, hahaha.

....

Also overrated.

I mean, I never stopped liking atmospheric music, (I mean, it could have been worse, sure) but.... battle music can be so whiney, like.... In Morrowind, do you remember *that fucking song* that they played when the fucking birds came within range?

I mean, the music for RON was better than the music for other games like this, and there were *aspects* of the game that were somewhat better, (the stupid campaign mode, and its hybrid-empire-game glory, lol), and some that were worse, (crazy inflation.... crazy!!), but you know....

"Bailando por el mundo" ;)

(6/10)


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I See; It Must Be A Human Thing

Posted : 7 years, 3 months ago on 25 August 2011 04:13 (A review of Mass Effect)

I guess the only "bad" thing about this game is that it didn't give me any burning desire to play the sequel. But you know what? I like that. I feel like I won. :)

yeah-yeah-yeah, galactic invasion, I need a vacation. ;)

And, oh, BTW, Tali'Zorah nar Rayya is probably the best name I've ever heard in my life.

Other thoughts: I like the blue one better. ;)

And: "You can't bludgeon your way through bureaucracy, Commander."

"I can bludgeon pretty hard."

Other thoughts: The credits music is pretty epic, but I still think my favorite track is "Liara's World".

Also: It's a little funny how, everywhere you go, everyone knows your name is "Commander Shepard", *way* before you know what their name is. & Also: I think "Spectre" is such a great word, and such an awesome job title. I want my next job title to be "Spectre". Dreaming, I know.

And you know what else was epic? Listening to Liara explain History.

.....

P.S. And, yeah, when I was playing it, I was a bit of a completionist as usual (sp? lol), and I did give it a few replays, sure.

And, ha--'Wrex'--Rex. :P

It's funny, though, if I got thrown into this sorta thing again, I might not like Wrex...or Ashley...or the Turian dude....or Wrex. Or Ashley. Or Wrex.

It was funny how the Turian dude--I honestly don't remember everyone's name--when he talked to you, he was always like--Oh, yeah. Always shoot first: and don't bother counting the bodies. I wonder if he really meant it; he was so soft-spoken. All I know is that I usually agreed with him...mostly to be polite and cut short the philosophy discusion....

And, you know, when he shot the guy, I would just say, Good job, or something, and he was all like, "Sometimes you get lucky." That was kinda nice. Better than getting all paranoid with him.

....And Talia...I mean, Tali, was a pretty cool kid, although, irl, I'd totes abuse my authority by ordering her to find some way to take off that damn mask--oh? Your life support? Boo hoo. You're in Engineering, dammit--find a way. And if I can't trust you with this....who knows what else...? (&I'd totes make it up to her by buying her a totes awesome Find-my-People gift....or by ordering someone else to, either way).

They were a crazy crew down there in Engineering...and, like I said, Liara was a pretty nice girl, all nice and soft and blue, although, if I had it to do again, irl, I'd totes lock her out of the library. Probs fire half the crew, (well, you know what I mean, the party), and hire some normal people for her to hang out with....or maybe just abandon her in the Citadel commercial district with a big credit card--see what happens....

But, you know, you know that I didn't talk to Carth--not this time around. The girls got both of them--Bastila (female Shepard voice), and Carth (Bastila's boyfriend, LOLZ).

Whatever happened to that crazy chick from KOTOR II: "My life for yours." Although I was a little creeped out by that back then. Like...rly? Wow....anyway, I kinda liked Brianna a bit better....

And, lol, I'm Shepard, you're Talia, I mean, Tali.

And, yeah, the Rachni Wars, the Rachni Wars were....special. (And the Krogan are like, Russian.)

And, you know, I would always read the thing and listen to the people, and it always makes you think about something, but it's funny how that changes.

But, yeah, I'd fire Ashley and Wrex, (or get them married, lol), and assign the Turian to do a stint with Adrian Monk, back in the real world....for starters.

I think I'd also fire Joker, (you're leg is broken, and you're mean to me, good-bye), the doctor, (you're an old lady, and I don't like you anymore), and probs get a bunch of other people transferred somewhere else (just get rid of lots of people, so I can rid of anybody I want without anyone noticing).

And I'd hire a bunch of those little dudes, (you know, the little Council race?), no Turians, some Minions, and....some asari (secret-like).

And if that dude was like, Gah, why did you spend all that money buying engines? Gah....I would just be like. Dude. Walk. Away. The sun won't swallow the sky; statues will not cry...

Roads are long and oceans far and wide. ;)

.....

And, you know, I guess it's like BSG, and other stuff, too, *but*, I guess that was just ancient times for me. Now, in modern times, I like the ticket oak better than the Thorian.

I guess, nowadays, I play different kinds of juegos.

But, you know, just because I didn't give BioWare their own tag, doesn't mean that they're not some of the best RPG dudes around. And they have their own development too, and learning curves, and stepping stones, but I think that even their works that haven't been absolutely outstanding, or totally authentic, have helped them grow and reach better things. Bethesda is top-notch too, but obviously the BioWare guys are the masters of narrative in RPGs.

And, even though I burned out, and don't regret it, I'll admit that the final-battle-as-harbinger-of-new-invasion-crisis, nothing-like-before, is a pretty cool finale.

N.B. As a compulsive completionist, I tried both, but I sorta always thought that the human empire was a stupid idea. I did come to enjoy hanging up on the Council, however, and hanging up on them again when the asari bitched about it was even better. And I think that that was a big step for me--I, who once felt scandalized to learn that I was Revan, once upon a time. ('No, I'm Dan Staar!')

So, yeah. So.....yeah.

Sometimes I just like Balmora when it rains, y'know?

And the Special Sound it gives you when you win an XBox 360, Achievement.

Oh, and: the rep of the rich trade-race in the minority-aliens office was kinda fun to talk to. "Why doesn't the Council respect *our* races? Why don't they give us *political* power, even though all my moron constituents want to do is *trade*?" I enjoyed that at the time; I liked unraveling all the dialogue options like that.

But if I went back there again, I'd probs shoot him in the head....a couple of times. "You won't sound so smug with a hole in your head."

Man, I had to play that fight like, twenty times, before I finally realized that I had to do the others first unless I wanted to get pwned; that was bad. But rescuing Liara was kinda nice, and at least she didn't *blame* for helping her, the way that Bastila did....Ah, Bastila and Carth, I loved those guys. (I only wish I could have traded Mission and Zaalbaar once I got off of Taris.)

I should really stop, but...it would be so fun to post lots of random quotes here. Like, when the Thorian's asari bitch tells you to drop dead, and then decay and decompose, I was like, wow, the words, they're kinda nice. But then the Thorian zombies attacked me and that made me sad, especially when they came at me from behind. And, like, I knew that they were going to turn hostile, but I couldn't attack them until they activated, it was like that ghetto mission from Warcraft III with the culling of the villagers cause they're undead, and, anyway, the Thorian creepers were like, the hardest part of the whole game, I think. I died several times....and I even got interrupted for dinner once or twice. (They just didn't get it.) I did save all the villagers, on almost every play-thru. That was actually the easier part of it. Except when I was trying to rack up the baddie points. I did the Paragon points first, but then the next time around I tried to get the Renegade points too, to be complete-y and to activate the special dialogue because I was kinda curious and complete-y. I read the Codex too, to do it, and obviously I could see some things like the Krogan wars and the 20th century. N Stuff.

And, and you know what I liked: the Aleusk Valley; it was all wintery.

And Sovereign, yeah, Sovereign was kinda nice. *Insert any Sovereign quote for Instant Victory*.

And, you know, this review has some spoilers, but not all of them are even for the game I'm technically reviewing, so it's all good. And KOTOR is like, really old, anyway, it's as old as fucking Seinfeld, so if you don't know that you're Revan by now, you might as well get yourself a date with some time-machine girl with 80s hair, and get HK-47 to marry the two of you. :P

And, BTW: time is long and land is far away. ;)

But, yeah, anyway, I uh....I liked the characters and the plot. :)

.....

And, you know: "Commander Shepard, I know you're on important business for the Citadel Council, but humanity has discovered another planet for you to annihilate and/or discover worthless rocks in in your crappy souped-up Jeep."

"Wipe this pathetic planet from the face of the galaxy."

"And remember, Shepard, you were a human a long time before you were a Spectre."

I hate that guy, though; I wish I could have punched him myself. Oh, and the clubs were cool--Flux, and Chora's Den. ^^

{'These are warehouse workers; all the real guards must be dead.' *Five minutes later* 'Ok, Biff, where did you put the tapes?'}

And I didn't punch the reporter....but I'd have got her fired. ;)

And, and of course I did the romance plot--completionist!--but I didn't really realize that I could have implied sex with the Consort too. It's also too bad that I don't think I actually got the literal Achievement for Completionist, even though I did about a thousand side-quests that all used the same identical dungeon, and, yeah--I will destroy you! Enemies are everywhere! Go go go! I will destroy you! *I will destroy you*! Those hostiles, they're all so red and angry. Like those mutants, who are like, Eh, I don't wanna write a letter anymore....I wanna kidnap the guy! And the secret gang, and the lost ship, and the asari who lies...well, don't they all. ;) Anyway, maybe if I had found more of those worthless rocks and lame-o Prothean nonsense....and the giant grasshoppers who operated the Capital of the Universe and which even the British Salamians with their MI5 crap couldn't figure out.

And they couldn't even find the rogue agent, Sarris.

And it was funny, that guy who got shot in the beginning....well, I guess it wasn't *really* funny.

Oh well. In the end, I'm just a crazy.

Also, I was going to try to look up a quote for Din Korlaak and his funny anti-human racism, on the wiki, but I can see that ME 2 turned the whole thing on its head and added about 40 new Council races, and--the *volus* are NOT a Council race: they're a pack of two-and-a-half foot-high rodents that sell you gear and gossip about Noveria with you before you go there. They are *not* the people that you hang up on after the mission is over.

{It's just giving another vote to the Turians! *shakes fist* Earth must Stand Firm against the machinations of the Turians and their Volus lackeys....Terra Firma! *yeah*}

{Yeah....we need games that aren't dungeon-crawl political simulators....}

It's not like you need the hollow glory....the Adoring Fan....

I'm glad I didn't play the sequel.

And I was a human a long time before I was a Spectre.

......~

You know, I used to think of an "RPG" like this as being honestly different from Halo....

And it certainly isn't a *first* person shooter, now is it....

.... It's just as serene as the Peter Jackson games....

.... To be honest, everything with incessant bad manners starts to blend together after a certain point....

But, yeah.

I mean, the one of the big things with the "RPG" to distinguish it from the rocket-propelled-grenade, (only), stuff was that was that you actually got stuff, you got more of it, it wasn't just....

Well, there was loot, anyway. Loot. That's what we called it, right.

And it was just, gear. That's all that it really amounted to, gear.

And what is that....

"Lots of guns and potato chips".

So.....

I have a mental reservation now, at the very least.

(9/10)


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Close Shut the Jaws Of Emperor Jean-Luc Shakespear

Posted : 7 years, 3 months ago on 25 August 2011 02:35 (A review of The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion)

I'm kidding, Pat, I'm joking with ya. You actually did your lines very well..."the skies are marked with numerless sparks, each a fire, and every one a sign..."

It's kinda like Morrowind, except totally different. So, it's additional awesomeness.

....

I'm not exactly sure how I de-gamer-ified, it seems like it was rather slow, uncertain, I'm not sure how it happened....

"This is Ironman!"

Join the Mages Guild! Read some books! Kill an army!

And I used to call this an "RPG", but now I'm going to dispense with the gamer lingo and just call it what it is: it's a fighting game.

"Television games!"

(8/10)


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Build Units! Conquer Lands! Get Headaches!

Posted : 7 years, 3 months ago on 25 August 2011 02:33 (A review of Hearts of Iron II: Doomsday)

To think I could have spared myself the agony.

....

To think that I thought that Paradox games were terribly unique, a category unto themselves.

It's just another empire game....

How effin' unique!

(6/10)


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Build an Army! Conquer the World! Ruin your Life!

Posted : 7 years, 3 months ago on 25 August 2011 02:33 (A review of Hearts of Iron II)

Too difficult, too intense, and way, way too realistic. Had a way of sucking you in though.

....

Join the Mages Guild, read some books, kill an army.

lol.

The music was also somewhat better than average for this sort of thing, although it sorta got a little disturbing after awhile, as well.

.....

You know, it's a little annoying, having perspective, on this sort of thing.... it's all so similar.... "World Domination 1936-1953" looks better on the box, than.... "' ' ' ' ....1947", but you never even got up *that* far, and....

And so on.

The music is also a little disturbing, I mean.... that's the thing, if you compare it to the *real world*....

(Or *anything*, other than a game.... even a bloody 80s movie!..... as opposed to Dungeons & Dragons!)

I just end up wondering why I spent all that time, pretending like I was gonna invent a new RPG, (math fail/endless dandy nonsense), or HOI scenario (programming fail)..... like, why.... I never made *any* progress, at all, at all....

You know what I kinda like, Hearts. You know, like whist.

You know, what's weird, if "Civilization" (for me-- III, IV, basically), was as good as it was supposed to be, I never would have gotten hooked by "Paradox", (HOI II, EUIII).... you know?

East just shot the moon-- fuck you, East. I should have been fucking paying attention....

That's the thing about perspective that bites, you can think about it, you can get CivIII vs. CivIV, or.... I don't know. But if you get sucked in....

You suck!

Like, CivIII was the best thing at that type.... but it wasn't actually that.... *good*.

And this was, like.... worse.

You know what I think is funny, when people tell you what you *may not* do in solitaire....

(Although what was always irritating, was if somebody asked you about your stupid hobby, like, brought you to a game store, right, and just sorta let you talk-- this and this, that and that.... and then casually said something after about an hour to the effect that they'd never been listening and never cared.)

(Although, then again, half of the time that was Sheldon Cooper himself....)

.... I don't know, your technical judgments don't really change.... CivIII (equals) CivIV, Morrowind (more than) Jade Empire..... but once you go.... 40 Thieves (more than) Civilization, or even, Myst IV Revelation (more than) Morrowind.... (and not just *almost*, or something, but *alot*, I was always *almost* a Myst fan....), then technical comments, like Morrowind = Oblivion, Morrowind (more than) I can't remember anymore, Super Mutants, then, all of a sudden, technical comments no longer play much role in ordering things, so that things.... are not the same, as before.

And then the relationships sorta do change, if the degrees of difference are put in a whole different perspective. I mean, Morrowind (more than) Sid Meier's Pirates!.... unless, eh, Morrowind was never really that good.... It's, *about as good* as 'Pirates!' *actually was*.....

"Eh, they'll let anyone have a blog these days."

And that's what sucks about perspective, because, in a way, you were right before.... *in a way*....

Although sometimes you were wrong.

Because if you get sucked in....

You suck!

Super Mutant Nazi Division "Berlin".

Whoops.

{1953: The Year That Stalin Died....

*playing KOTOR* Hey, look at all this great loot that I got from killing Stalin-- now I'm ready for Part Two!!!

Yeah.... I am so not a nazi.... anymore.

.... Now I'm going to play as Ireland and go to war with Britain!}

(6/10)


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