Reviews by charidotes20

I'm just going to come out and say it: Voyager sucks, and we all hate Janeway....and trying to make us feel guilty about that, will, not, help....anybody.

It's not like the other shows are perfect. But...they had some things. Kirk may have been a bit of a goofy blowhard, but....at least he was, you know, a goofy blowhard. And even say, the Spock vs. McCoy thing, while obvious, does work a lot of the time. And, you know, there's a reason it got cancelled after like, four seasons, not least because the effects--oh! the swirling pink gas! It's an alien intelligence!--is defs made-in-the-1960s, back when Wal-Mart had about twenty stores, spread throughout Arkansas and Missouri...

But, they made movies, because we love Kirk. And we love Picard, too, even though he's kind of a crazy old man who thinks that Shakespeare is still alive and performing plays for Queen Victoria....

But, you know, it's like--"Here's. To. The Finest Crew In, Starfleet!!...Engage!"

And the finest crew in Starfleet is totes the Victorian post-modern commie pinko manor-house rule-of-law-and-Shakespeare Enterprise dudes.

These Voyager dudes, they just...got lost in Canada...and then pretended that that made them better somehow. And, of course, **you can't hate Janeway**. And, why? Because....everyone hates her.

And, let's try to get a grip, guys, if your girlfriend wants you to stop being a Trekkie freak for five minutes so that you can pretend that you don't neglect all things feminine, then the thing to do would be to watch "The Time Traveler's Wife", or, better yet, "Amelie", and preferably without nagging her about accents aigu and *grave*.

Or even, "Galaxy Quest".

Because, let's face it: Captain Shrew will not do it for you.

And, if they were going to get lost in the Fako Quadrant fifty thousand light years from the nearest gas-station--i.e., yes, this is the *very dramatic* performance*--they could have ruffed the guys up a bit, like they do in BSG, instead of giving the Voyager a parade-ground paint-job every week, even if half of the ship had been destroyed the week before.....But, like RDM says, if you're criticizing stuff like that, it means you've lost the characters. And boy, did I ever.

And, you know, the fact that they didn't *really* want to do a drama, (too icky), means that they...shouldn't have been so damn dramatic about it. (Oooo, but then I would be *different*, and I have to be *the same*, this way I can be *better than you*....the best ice-hockey dude...ever!)

Yeah, maybe they just should have stranded Janeway in the Loser Quadrant....without the ship. All by herself.

After all, ships are valuable; you need them to fight floating boxes. ;)

...........

"Because if you know if you go holding pictures of Chairman Mao
You won't get anywhere with anyone anyhow."

The more I think about it, the less good that I have to say about it.

No, really, if you military guys want to have a revolution-- then lets get those Occupation turds in here-- Occupation: Discovery.... or whatever the hell they called the ship!

Because you say that you changed a whole hell of a lot, but I still see you putting on a uniform and a gun every day of your life.

"You say you want to change the constitution--
Well, you know
We'd all like it of you'd just change your head"

And then I won't tell them the things that you used to say, right here....

Because Star Trek knows just whose pockets it pilfers from, and I think this is a pretty poor price to put on what it destroys....

{And, yes, they all would have been dead on 'Galactica', by about the third week, at the rate they killed people off.... Imagine.... But what I mean is, there's just something amazingly hypocritical about it, it's not just ordinary hypocrisy at all, there's really something amazing about it.... Slap a peace sticker on the side of the warplane, and all of a sudden the bill's on my side of the ledger.... Ah, excuse me?}

Is this what you call 'persuasion'....

Well, you know....

Fuck you.

Because the only contribution I'll be making is to somebody or something that doesn't make this world colder....

And you know that I won't be showing up with anything but flowers....

And maybe not for you.

.... Well, you know

Nobody really likes you.

And to cheer on all those brass knuckles just because you're standing in the same room with them....

Well, you know.

Imagine that.

..... And you all act the same way with everyone, no matter where you go.

And you won't get anywhere with anyone anyhow.

(6/10)

In any crisis situation, it's important to remember one key phrase:

**To The Choppah!**

But, they forgot to say it.

And, you know, "I'm a Bloo-Rai!", just doesn't have that same....

And, you know, I think it's a shame that they turned Sigourney Weaver into a frumpy doctor-lady (we musn't contaminate the biological specimens...), she can be way nicer and cooler than that.

And, yeah, the animist dudes were kinda cool, the corpo-nazis/evil-military-suck-your-brains guys kinda sucked...I mean, yeah, they did, but....

Even though the Marine dude made a cool unencumbered adventurer, capable of being empty enough to learn new things, and chill enough to just adapt, instead of being freakishly afraid of contaminating the mud by squishing through it a bit, *but*, I don't know....

What ever happened to: "To The Choppah!" Man, I don't even know what movie that came from....

And, you know, he's just too much of a Romo Lampkin ("my parents were killed for the money they had on them, which wasn't enough"), turned-Marine....I mean, Romo was a lawyer, though not an especially bookish one, but, all these I-am-just-a-poor-boy-and-my-parents-were-killed-and-so-this-will-not-be-a-comedy, thank-you-very-much, all those guys start to blend and blur together after a certain point.....

And, you know, at the end, the animists and their white friends were running-through-the-forest, the days of gloom are here, the artillery fire is all around us, so we must run-through-the-forest, HP Part 7 Part 2 style.....

After a certain point, I start to wonder if the guy they were running away from was....Michael Jackson!

And, either way, they should have remembered to bring the chopper.

(7/10)

The goddess of love can scare the shit out of you sometimes, and, sometimes I think that even Angelina Jolie is afraid of her. (Though I'm not really better, either--the first time I read a Victoria Holt novel, I had to insist to myself that what I was working on was "a novel about Australia"....that was the only way that I could get through "The Shadow of the Lynx".)

And, yeah, I think this was a sort of "don't say 'romance'," sort of flick.

I mean, the cast was kinda nice, Angelina Jolie is pretty, although here, as so often, she's sorta trying not to be. (I don't shake the rumor tree the way that some people do, but I don't think that it takes an intuitive genius to realize that, on some level, this is probably Brad's fault.) And Prophet Jack was a pretty cool character; I always like Tony Shalhoub... although, Mister Monk is not exactly the most *romantic* sort. That's more or less, his role, if you know what I mean.

And, you know, the fact that Angelina Jolie's criticism of talk shows, or something, was more relevant to her, really, than her boyfriend, who seems to have basically gotten, despite his best efforts, a sort of neglected girlfriend treatment. And, somehow, it's not quite as entertaining as "The Wrath of Khan", or even, "Monk". I mean, even Tony Shalhoub makes the romantic unviability of Adrian Monk (et al) something that you can't really forget about.

And, you know, the fact that Angelina grills another woman for choosing career over boyfriend--while trying desperately *not* to be a good girlfriend herself--brings a certain "h" word to mind.

In the end, watching Prophet Jack use his prophetic powers to sit in the right place to catch a home-run baseball was probably the most happy-go-lucky moment of the whole thing.

And, yeah, I wouldn't want to exaggerate; I don't think that it's relentlessly cynical, but....

From the lady of love do we all cringe in fear; Aphrodite brought the pomegranate to the isle of Cyprus: touch not the pomegranate, go not to Cyprus.

.....

And, you know, the thing about something like this, is, that it's always *possible* that somebody who's being a gigantic moron might, *actually*, be being deviously brilliant, or something.

Then again....maybe not.

(7/10)

I hate to admit that this wasn't a good movie, because I don't watch enough comedies. That's not *exactly* rational, and it's a little hard to explain. But, there it is.

And, yet, it wasn't...it wasn't, very good, was it?

Also: you might hate me, but I really think that I'm starting to develop this thing against Julia Roberts, or at least...many of her roles. That is, I don't have anything against our military people who keep us safe from crazy people, but--this is a comedy. This is (supposed to be) a comedy, and maybe a comedy is not the right place for this uptight, Air Force, mom...person...who...never...smiles.

Is it just me, or do most comedies seem...afraid of....not being dramas?

......

It's like when the bridge club is too good to play cards.

I'm so angry, I can't even talk about it.

Cretins.

(4/10)

Angelina Jolie is a pretty girl who seems to spend most of her time trying *not* to be pretty...and who, somehow--amazingly!--usually does a pretty good job, of *not* being pretty.

For those of you out there who bitch about girls "spending too much time trying to look pretty"--oh noes! Spare my souls!--let this be a lesson to you.

I mean, this movie is okay...my personal feeling is, that it's probably one of her better films. It's a bit less self-denying, than, say, her playing a dead person or an imprisoned person or someone who goes around with a sheet on her face, lest someone see what she looks like, and have *impure thoughts*.

I mean, I honestly don't know what makes her think that she would be more popular as an astronomer, or an old lady, or something, but most of her work seems to be based on that assumption. I mean, even a lot of her modeling photos are a bit, like, *some* girls do this....for one reason....but *other* girls do it for....some....different, reason.

But it's also true that some of her stuff isn't terrible, and this...isn't *terrible*.

And, 'for what it's worth', I do think she's as good as Harrison Ford, sure, but I also think that Harrison Ford is a little...forgettable. Decent, but forgettable.

And the biggest problem with the whole movie is that you can almost hear her thinking: "Today, I will be as good as Harrison Ford."

'I will be...*Lady*....Tomb Raider.'

(7/10)

I *think* I watched this....probably not that closely; it's a good movie not to watch too closely.

It's not so terrible, but it's one of those ones not to take too seriously.

Legolas is a pretty boy, Brad Pitt punches people....

Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose.

.....

But, then, maybe I'm being too generous. This isn't just a mediocre movie, like "Jurassic Park"; this is a suck-y movie, like "Gladiator".

I mean, I remember that one of my friends who saw it thought that it trivialized the whole thing--"It made it sound like the Trojan War happened in three days!"-- although I almost didn't want to mention that, since I don't exactly want it to be longer.

I mean, Brad Pitt is Achilles and Boromir is Odysseus? Really?

(6/10)

The First Rule of Loser Club is:
I don't want to hear about it.

The Second Rule of Loser Club is:
Don't tell me about it.

The Third Rule of Loser Club is:
Go. **Away**!!!

And, yeah, I would rather have Swedish furniture, than...hate people with Swedish furniture.

Oh, my god, you have a coffee-table; I'm going to blow up a bank!!

You blow up a bank. This helps you...how.

I just wanted to tell these characters...grow up. Just....grow up. I hate you, so just...grow up. Far away from me.

I mean, if Brad Pitt wanted to beat the crap out of some guys, he could have at least...stolen money from them, right? At least that would have made sense, on some level.

But, you know what would have been even better than that: 'Fight Club' vs. Clint Eastwood. "If I catch you around here again, it's going to get *fucking ugly*."

Note to world: Girls who like this film are going on my ignore list; boys who like it, are probably going to jail.

It's all so pathetic.

(5/10)

Be a rebel. Destroy the System. Found a franchise. (And fail.)

"And what happens after that, I leave up to you."

And, yeah, with that (kinda) out of the way, I can say that....this is actually kinda an average movie. You might say, "What? Like the Chronicles of Riddick?" Well, why don't you sit down, take a seat, and I'll explain the nature of this Large System to you.....

*thunder and lightning happen behind me, quite conveniently*

'Once upon a time, there was a man named Sam Walton, and he came from a place named Arkansas, which is a very bad place, because no presidents have come from there, and besides, like Colorado, there are no posh places to hang out there. Fortunately, my crib here is a very nice place to hang out.'

'But! That is how the Grand War first began. But, you were asking me about the Large System. So, let me tell you about the Singular Dude.' *blows on a whistle*

' "In! times of old beyond the sea, when Waermund ruled the Anglecynn, to him was born a worthy son, who would in time a hero become!" '

'But, the point is, my Canadian friend, you may already be working for Wal-Mart and its white minions. But take heart! Perhaps a snobby Biblical Reference will save the day!'

'Yes, indeed, what IS truth? And what is Large System? Well, Canadian anti-Anglo Lead Dude, you were born into a prison. Yes, like everyone else, you were born in bondage, you are a slave. You are just like the chattel-slave ancestors of your black friend here, only worse. Yes, because you were born into a prison that can taste and see and touch and feel. A prison, called your body. Yes, the body...it is so much less intellectual than the mind.'

*ponders how to weave more theology into the plot/backstory*

'Oh, and remember, don't date any women that wear attractive red dresses; they might be working for the enemy.'

Yeah, it's kinda like that.

And, in a way, it's even worse than "The Chronicles of Riddick", because you know that it takes a white Canadian dude to decide that everybody named Smith, or Gilbert, or whatever, is part of the anti-Christ....Vin Diesel would never waste his time on crap like that.

But, I'll give it the benefit of the doubt and say that it's about as good. After all, it's kinda cool to watch, since some pretty nifty scary cool shit does happen. Techno-like, but, it works...it works.

It just doesn't quite live all the way up to its conceit, that's all.

{Imagine Vin Diesel saying that. ^^}

....

And, you know, even when they say something which is kinda true, they just don't get it. Like, the Famous Five Year-Old Buddhist Sage is all like, "It is not the spoon that bends..."

So Mr. Hero says, 'Oh, okay; I'm a spoon.'

He just don't get it...

But he can dodge bullets. Sorta.

....

And it's a little.... terrorist-y.

And that kinda sucks.

And the people who aren't like us are so suck-y.... that they're actually part of the Matrix.

*makes think-y noise with lips* Wow. Patronizing.

(7/10)

I've begun to try to watch enough comedy to at least balance out my drama...and "real" stuff to balance out the sci-fi....although I realize that there is such a thing as sci-fi comedy....

But this sort of thing is just mediocre--especially with all the pseudo-educational value, which does little except remind me of how dumb we are, who think we're clever....and I also don't like George Carlin, although I'll admit to having some pleasure at seeing Neo casted as a....different kind of person, way....before. ^^

{And, you know, like in that commercial--"This isn't scary!" "Are you kidding? Look at that picture of your mom's hair from the 80s!"}

And, you know: Billy the Kid and Socrates approach two 80s girls sitting at a table together, chatting. Billy introduces them, mispronouncing the other guy's name, and, unfurling a 'Wanted: Billy the Kid' scroll, explains that they are "from history". The girls giggle, and Freud appears from behind them and decides that, "you are all suffering from a form of mild hysteria" in a not-so-mild German accent. The girls giggle-murmur "geeks" (or "freaks"?) in a muffled-inaudible kind of way, and then scamper off. Freud is left puzzled. "Geeks?" he wonders aloud.

(7/10)

"You look like shit, man."

"I'm alright."

"You keep telling yourself that."

In other words, this is why I stopped listening to Rammstein awhile ago. In the end, the trick with the helicopter, say, just isn't worth it.

In other words, is this the movie to cure you of your desire to be a Jedi...or a loose cannon?

"All signs point to it."

It was almost just an average movie, but in the end, it added up to a little bit more...

There was always a little bit more there, than I thought there would be.

(9/10)