Reviews by charidotes20

When you just can't let it go.

Once there was a king of some country not too far away from Serbia, who said, "The purpose of my life, is the destruction of Serbia."

(And then people talk about offices and empire and the opinions of others, as though that mattered.)

But now, the purpose of my life is-- the tormenting of Mike Newton.

"You and Cullen."

"Well, in physics we.... we talk about physics, properties of physics."

"Guys, luckily you're friends with a former Boy Scout, who is always...."
"Unpopular."
"Beaten up."
Going to movies with his mom."
"A boy scout is always prepared."
"Prepared to spend lunch is his locker."
"Prepared to die a virgin."
"Prepared to paint his sister's nails."
"Prepared for emergencies. That's why, a week ago, when Irene was a tropical depression--"
"You're a tropical depression."

"Well, you know the door's supposed to stay open."

"So, you and Cullen, huh?"

"And if my *manner* has been at all reprehensible, then I sincerely apologise."

"Someone once told me that time is a predator that stalked us all our lives...."

"The Cylon War is long over, yet we must not forget why so many sacrificed so much in the cause of freedom...."

"Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter-cup of 2% milk, sat on *this* end of *this* couch, turned on BBC America, and watched *Doctor Who*."

"So, you and Cullen, huh?"

Walk to class with me, Bella, go to the dance with me, Bella, be my friend, Bella, fall in love with me, Bella-- even though I don't really like you that much.

*winces in pain* Juno's mercy.

Sometimes I just had no idea, just how lucky I was, just to be left, alive....

"God, you can be such a...."
"What?"
"Pretty cool human being when you're not being a first class grade A bitch."
"Are you hitting on me, (Frodo)?"
"No. No I just think that you can be cool. Sometimes. This not being one of them."

*sighs* Such is the cultural baggage of the trashy sci-fi drama.

So much for that.

{"Vanity, not love, has been my folly."}

....

Seriously, though: I can be a freak.

"(Seriously, Ted, barring some act of God, she's going to be on a date on Saturday, and not with you)."
"Fine, if an act of God is what it takes."
"(WTF, Ted)?"
"I'm going to make it rain."

....

{I'm 'doing bad things, good things happen' to me! *stamps foot* What the fuck! *anguish*}

I'm fucking serious though, watching Ted and Robin together, and Marshall and Lily apart makes me want to go feral on someone.

And if you can't understand what I'm saying, then that's your own damn fault.

Because what I'm telling you is the truth.

.....~~

And, what's this? Jon Stewart once had a legitimate acting career? He *could have had* a legitimate acting career!

I mean, not that this is much, obviously, but the year after this, he was in "Big Daddy" with Adam Sandler, too! He could have been one of Adam Sandler's.... he could have been a Happy Madison guy, like Kevin James, or somebody....

But I guess that he just wanted to hook up with the "F... You Girl", and all that trash.

He could have been a real actor, if he hadn't thrown it all away.... amazing. He chose.... trash.

(And, if he had wanted to, he could have just done the effin' entertainment news-- sometimes I'd like to be able to get that sort of thing from someone who isn't a fucking girl, ha.)

(6/10)

I was going to do something today, but I'm not sure what. *thinks* *doesn't remember* Well, I must have forgotten.

*decides to watch 'Meet the Fockers'*

Wow, this is different.

But this is great; this is really good. This is as good as "Greenberg". And I like Ben Stiller....

And I like how much you can get from real life.

This is as good as a Sophie Kinsella novel.

And I'm not just saying that to be patriotic. ;)

And, for that matter, I'd take Meyer over Rowling.

{I mean, seriously, she likes Jane's novels and Chopin's nocturnes-- how bad could she be?}

Those Brits, they just don't know the glory of minor-league baseball. ^^

What I mean is, let's be clear about something.

*holds up index finger*

This is Region 1.

(9/10)

"In the Olympic Peninsula of northwest Washington State, a small town named Forks exists under a near-constant cover of clouds."

Oh no, wait-- that's the other one; we would never like that. What would we like instead?

"Well, technically speaking, the procedure is brain damage."

Oh, good.

Or, maybe.... not so good.

Yeah, this is a little creepy.

But I guess that it's all okay, since Scifi has successfully created a girlfriend story that's so disturbing, that it's not even close to being comedy instead of drama.

Good job, Scifi, way to show the world, man.

"The bouquets of brilliant anemones undulated ceaselessly in the invisible current, twisted shells scurried about the edges, obscuring the crabs within them, starfish stuck motionless to the rocks and each other, while one small black eel with white racing stripes wove through the bright green weeds, waiting for the sea to return."

Wow, what a bunch of perverts, right.

But at least we freed outselves.

We're independent, man.

Legally speaking, no one can stop us from damaging our brains.... in our minds.

....

Yes, my friends, I have great power.

Because I have brain control.

I have brain control, and I know everything.

And I release you.

(6/10)

*yawns* I almost made that last review twice as long, but then I didn't. But this one could be funny.

So, let's see, what's it about.... Oh, yes, the eldest had eaten some sugar, the next some sweet syrup, and the youngest a spoonful of honey.

*blinks* Oh, no, that was the other one.

Well, anyway, when I was younger-- ten, I guess-- I wanted to be like Qui-Gon Jinn, but, now, I suppose that I'd rather not be like Liam Neeson. He has an odd way of picking his parts, doesn't he-- makes Hugo Weaving look.... normal, almost.

"These are my workers. They should be on my train. They're skilled munitions workers. They're essential."

And he also played the Voice of Je--, ah, a slain, somebody, or something. Well, twice, I guess. "A kingdom of conscience...." Wow, come to think of it, Liam Neeson just can't quite manage to keep himself alive, now can he? Well, but I guess that he's better keeping *other* people alive, or something.

He's not the easiest chap to quote, though, really. "It's controlled by the Hutts", wow, *memorable*.... uh, okay, let's see....

"That is the sound of a thousand terrible things headed this way."

That could be like something from *Angela's Ashes*--

That is the sound of a thousand terrible things headed this way, boys.

Yes, sir.

How many terrible things are coming this way, boys?

A thousand.

How many?

A thousand, sir.

And how do we know, lads, how do we know?

The sound.

The what?

The sound, sir.

I haven't read that book in a long time, but I think that it's more or less like that. ;)

Let's see, what else did he say....

"Every day that goes by, I'm losing money. Every worker that is shot costs me money."

Tentative Conclusion: A German movie called, 'Die dunkle Bedrohung' would have starred Heino Ferch as Qui-Gon Jinn.

But, anyway.

I suppose that it should go without saying that something like this isn't going to *quite* be able to get Frank's pain, or Jane's dream, Frank's nightmare, or.... Jane's dream.

And that kinda sucks.

And do you know how the story ends, right? The other brothers marry the other princesses.

If they have even that much sense.

Oh, and, the "Trade Federation" is evil, and "The Matrix" was also made in 1999.

So, there's that.

Which also makes it even stupider, if you think about it.

One might almost say, suck-y.

(6/10)

This is what I'd almost call action comedy.

And it's soothingly average.... not unlike (the novel) *Twilight*, in a way.

And, yet, somehow I find this line stuck in my head:

"Never look back, Max! Never!"

Or, to take one that's actually from the movie:

"My daughter's birthday: cancelled."

Yes, the Romans and the cowboys will take precedence today....

Unless, that is, your family interrupts you while you're watching it, as they undoubtedly will. (And did.)

But, anyway, "that was actually pretty cool, what you just did."

"Thank you."

(dramatic) "Back to life!"

So it was all alright, except that I had to pretend that they hadn't casted some, annoying aunt, or something, as a pilot.... I just had to pretend that she wasn't there.... I call it, suspension of disbelief.

I mean, if it were say, Ed Harris, or Clint Eastwood, or Jack Nicholson, or even Keanu (Shoot-the-Hostage) Reeves, or Patrick Stewart, or even Morgan Freeman, ('It's Nelson Mandela!'), then that would be one thing.

But Ben Stiller deserves better. ;0

(8/10)

"I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said:-- Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them in the sand,
Half sunk, a shatter'd visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
'My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!'
Nothing beside remains: round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away."

~ "Ozymandias", Percy Bysshe Shelley

"You have delighted us long enough."

~Mr. Bennet to Mary, "Pride & Prejudice", Jane Austen

Or, as my old grandfather used to say, "Now get out".

Seeing as I don't suppose that I've met anyone more rude, in all my life.

....

'My political enemies can't add! They don't do math!'

Right, because that's all that he does-- is the quadratic equation, and exponential formulas, and all that good shit. You can't shut him up about it.... Or anything else.

Yeah, he should seriously consider listening to some (Frederic) Chopin, and chilling the fuck out. "No blood, no foul", right?

....

"You could say that I lost my faith in the people on TV
You could say that I lost my faith in our politicians
They all seem like, game show hosts to me...."

' "It is difficult indeed-- it is distressing.-- One does not know what to think."

"I beg your pardon;-- one knows exactly what to think."

But Jane could think with certainty on only one point....'

("No, you're not a New Yorker until you've cried on the subway and not given a damn what anyone thinks.")

"Laugh as much as your chuse, but you will not laugh me out of my opinion."

"But Jane was firm when she thought that she was right."

"I could be lost inside their lies
Without a trace
But every time I close my eyes
I see (her) face."

"If I ever lose my faith, if I ever lose my faith, if I ever lose my faith...."

In Bazarov. And Arkady.

(4/10)

OK, I'm finally going to admit that I used to watch this show, if only because my brother has this unhelpful way of reminding me that my new god Steve Carell used to have a spot on this show. And I'm actually feeling a bit tired and ruffled right now, but I'm going to try to get it out of the way, and do my best on it.

I actually just got done watching "Speed" with Keanu Reeves, and all that I can really remember is that annoying way that he had of either asking or being asked about hypothetical situations, and someone always had to be saying, "What would you do?" (At one point he responded with: "I would shoot the hostage; take her out of the equation.") And after awhile, all that I wanted to do was to tell him to shut the fuck up, you stupid Canadian-- you're in an action movie, dammit.

Anyway.

But, I don't know, the problem with this show is....

Well, it's actually funny, how difficult it is to explain, in a way.

But, do they really turn drama into comedy? Or do they just make it a different kind of drama?

Is the news really funny? Is reading about the political news entertaining? The crime news?

Would it be entertaining to read about the filmography news?

Ah, but then that's the whole point, isn't it.

I guess that I just don't like it when the comics grief me. People have been griefing me all morning, to be honest, and now, the only person that I want to hear from is Dvorak, ("From the New World"), or maybe Dvorak's daughter.

It's really too much like 'South Park', in a way that's difficult to describe, especially without getting laughed at. I mean, are they really making the election funny, (and I wouldn't even know when the next one is!), or are they just refusing to let go of the election, even when they want to try to be funny?

What would you do? What would you do?

I don't know, man-- I wouldn't!

I just wouldn't.

I just hate it when.... when they act like this. When they make it all vexation. All drama. That's just too Jeff Lewis for me-- or too, something. 'Chefs, I want you to compress two hours of cooking time into twenty minutes, even though we'll edit it down to five minutes or something for the TV audience anyway. Or, better yet, just start throwing your knives at each other.' And this show was even worse than Jeff Lewis is now, isn't it, though? 'Oh! My god! You just made that guy look like a Nazi! Holy shit, that's hilarious!'

And, I mean, Hitler can be funny sometimes, hell, he's even on 'Family Guy', (and this 'Family Guy' youtube video, I don't know how they edited it, but he goes, "An age of freedom", while he's all oratorical-y about it, I died laughing, I died), {I get it; Hitler can be funny-- 'Hitlah. Dot dot dot dot, Hitlah! Goering, yeah, a fat nazi. Speer, sure, the architect kind. Himmlah, fine, but the biggest one, is Hitlah! And my name is, Adolf Hitlah!' (Burgdorf) 'But I actually forgot that that was your name, sir.' 'Then get the fuck out of my special room!'} but.... some things are just too damn abrasive. And *not* funny. And certainly *not* comedy, and not anything but *drama*.

And, let's face it, this show is more like 'Top Reporter', than 'Family....'--anything. It's for immature little.... haters, really. Haters who want a laugh.

And that's why it's so fucking mediocre, and.... suck-y, really.

And, lest I be accused of forgetting anything-- and it is difficult to remember what you were thinking, when everyone really is acting the way that something like this *expects them to*-- let me make one more point. The problem with Jon, I think, is that there was this choice that he didn't make. Despite knowing everything about everything, from global warming to the Crusades, he didn't want to be a regular scholar like Tony Tanner, who wrote stuff about *Pride & Prejudice*, since that's actually alot of work. But he also didn't want to be like Robert Pattinson, (or Steve Carell, maybe?), since I think that he really did consider himself to be a little above that-- Comedy Central's *World News Headquarters in New York* might be a little too lazy to climb up to the dizzying heights of journalism that Stewart himself actually did have some interest in, I think-- he went on "Hardball", once, I think, and sorta gave them a talk about what real news journalism is, and so they sorta asked him if he'd learned that from the dancing bananas that immediately preceded his show-- but he and his crowd also obviously secretly always had this mission to show the world how stupid the oafish pleb guys at *People* really are.

So.... that's a little retarded, actually.

I mean, have you ever seen one of those soap commercials where the girls they film are models, but the voice-over girl sounds like she's trying to be Mike Tyson and Patrick Stewart at the same time? 'Women are strong.... Just like this soap.... Now the dirt.... *will know fear*!!!'

'What would you do? What would you do?'

And I watched the Colbert show too. Whoop-dey fucking, do.

{But as for all those, stupid, peevish, intellectualized, 'jokes'....}

{*sits in chair* *depressed* I tell you, in the end, all that we're left with is our fucking regrets! What happened to all those parodies that I wrote-- with such perfect syllable-by-syllable symmetry, back when I had the headphones for privacy! But now, the headphones are lost. --And before that, all those years that I wasted thinking that George Bush was Hitler, when really the whole fucking time it was really Bruno Ganz!-- So now, all I can tell ya man-- is live your life.... Do what you want. But if you think that means that I've given up on choosing between right and wrong, and making fun of the way that I acted on Kohler's birthday and to Speer's Pizza's delivery guy, then you've fucking got another thing coming.}

{Because, I don't know. With politics....

'The moment that you (begin) to believe, you deceive.'

And you know that 'time turns future into past', so....

Your news is sliding into the sand, and turning into mold.

'Was no worthy game in season, in (those) days?}

(6/10)

I thought that this sounded like a clever idea for an action movie. ('If you slow down, this bus will explode!')

{Although, you know, if they had gotten out onto the interstate or something, they could have gone gone 50mph as easily as the terrorist watched football games when he wasn't making snide comments about the news....}

But it ended up being a mediocre action movie. I thought that there were a few too many explosions.... It's not so much metal as wooden.

And sometimes, the.... sorta cool, thing about action is, that you don't mind as much if its's mediocre, or not as much. I mean, it's not like some really subtle interpersonal drama, where you get really pissed off if the character that you identify with gets treated unfairly-- you don't care as much, I think. But.... that's still not really, the *great* thing about action, you know.

Because once you lose the characters, you start to wonder....

Can you really *receive* a call on a pay phone? While you're out in public?

Do they really put cans filled with water on the side of the freeway? Is action drama similar to sci-fi drama?

Do pensions really suck? Would you want a gold watch as a retirement thing?

Would the cops get a pay cut if the hostages died? Would it affect the tax revenues?

What would you do? Would you have a plan or something?

I mean, it's actually a suck-y movie.

And I also think that there's too much boring, back-and-forth repeating dialogue.

Police Chief Raven: I want to pick the Bears to win on Monday night.

Relay person: We're picking the Bears for Monday!

Hero: We've got the Bears for Monday! They're our pick! C'mon! Click! Click!

Female in opening credits: (Who does not have an iPhone because it's 1994) I'm clicking! I'm clicking!

And I wonder what Doctor Who would say about the whole 'shoot the hostage' theory.

Perhaps, 'Oh, woh, shit', or something, would be an appropriate response.

Like I said, the 'great' thing about action is, that sometimes you don't mind mediocre as much.... But suck-y-ness still sucks.

{Oh, but don't forget the best line: "Don't get dead." *Classic*.}

(6/10)

Oh, my God, this is perfect.

Starring Steve Carell.

And written and directed by GOD.

"So, do you guys want pizza?"

"God can't hear you, Barry."

{"Mice dressed as monkeys."

"Yes."

"Good."}

"Yes, Therman, but this time I brought my secret weapon. My brain."

"I hope that you kept your receipts; you will all be audited."

{"Best. Dinner. Ever."}

{"And more things?"}

"Don't stop asking."

.......................

I don't know how to do it justice, but, I think that *this* is one of the greatest films ever. Really.

Carell and Rudd really did it.

(10/10)

"That boy needs therapy."

You know, I don't like this show as much.

I prefer idea-balls. And manatees. And....

"And milk. And rectangles."

And dancing. And 'Espana'.

And a frontier psychiatrist. And....

"The man with the golden eyeball; and tighten your buttock; pour juice on your chin!"

So, why don't you like South Park as much, Brian?

Well, it's like that time that....

"Is Dexter ill, Is Dexter ill, Is Dexter ill, Is Dexter ill today?"

"No, Mr. Kirk, Dexter's in school."

"I'm afraid he's not, Miss Fishburne."

So let this be as a warning to you younglings-- meddle not in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle, and quick to anger.

"What does that mean?"

"You're a nut! You're crazier than a coconut!"

(7/10)